so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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