literally had 100 drinks last night.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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