so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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