i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
