I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
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What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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