I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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