I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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