You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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