I will die if light touches me.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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