Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
