I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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