Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
