I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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