just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
