I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
