what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
