Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I checked into jail on foursquare
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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