maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
