Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
