I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Bring me that man meat
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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