Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
