Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
