I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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