Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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