So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
