i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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