Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
