how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
