In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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