im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
