My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
