Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
