the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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