I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
