I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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