What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
