she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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