after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
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I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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