Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
