Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
