Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
