So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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