Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
