I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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