dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
