proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
