If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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