I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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