Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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