Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
