all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
