I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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