i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
