We named our party play list daddy issues
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
