Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
