we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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