The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just threw up on my dentist
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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