Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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