u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
