I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
