The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
