finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
