I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
