I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
